Monday, 27 September 2004 - 11:57 PM EDT

I think you express yourself very well, Colonel. The second and third to last sentences in your last entry just had me wondering. The words "eternal struggle" and "for that, I will never find a place to call home" sort of hung in the balance for me, that's all. Maybe I read too much into that. : )

Tuesday, 28 September 2004 - 12:55 AM EDT

I say eternal struggle, and I'm only 20 something. Surely history has yet to pass me by, but presently I am nowhere close to where I want to be and have yet to find a place to call home. If my life were to end right now, everything I said would be rendered fact, and as I live, where I live, day to day, it is hard to put much stake in the future. I am for now, content to live one moment at a time.

Tuesday, 28 September 2004 - 8:25 AM EDT

No, I am hearing you. Some people are emotionally needy and have to whine their hearts out. The other people are emotionally needy, and keep it all in while trying to help other people, cause they are able to be more independent. That doesn't make them any less needy. The latter example describes Elinor Dashwood from Sense and Sensibility. She is one of the characters I can resonate with the most, because everyone is dumping their crap on you, while you are silently suffering inside.

There is this Aimee Mann lyric that describes what you are trying to say, and I really feel what she is saying:
"Nothing is good enough for people like you,
You have to let someone take the fall..."

You know? Some people just look for the scapegoat. And that doesn't mean you are to blame. Some people are just looking for an excuse to whine and it's sad that they have to put down the person that can help them the most.

>The person I am now is a collage of every other human being I have ever known, and every place I have ever been and every emotion I have ever had.

This is the most beautiful sentence. Oh my gosh, you created such a wonderful sentence. I love it. It's beautiful. I shall treasure it. I am serious; that was very poignant.

Tuesday, 28 September 2004 - 11:09 AM EDT

You are right, it is easier to divert your problems onto someone else than handle them and solve them. I wonder what exactly I exhibit that makes them think I am THAT guy. What's even worse is what happens when they find out the truth. Much to my dismay, quite the pattern I appear to be forming. Like I said, it all happens for a reason, but sooner or later I am going to come to the conclusion that I do not deserve to be happy. Not yet though. Not yet.

I am glad to see something I said moved you in that way. I hope you are able to use that to your advantage, somehow, anyhow...

Tuesday, 28 September 2004 - 2:07 PM EDT

I do not want too sound condesending, but part of what you are feeling has to do with age and experience. Let me tell you a secret about women. (and by the way most women will not admit this) When we are young we are obessed with our beauty. It is the main part of our personality, because of this we are pretty superficial and don't really start to understand ourselves untyil we begin to loose it. Beauty makes women self centered. We want to world to revolve around us. Everything must validate us because we are not to valiate ourselves. So don't try. Find some one who is grown up and has interests, then the differences between men and women are easier to deal with. Men think differently than women. Society lets men do this at an early age, women are too caught up in the superficiality of social relationships. As you age your perspective on life and your past will change as long as you try to grow from life.

Tuesday, 28 September 2004 - 9:36 PM EDT

You just sound emotional, like your upbringing had a major impact that is lingering. I remember feeling that way at twenty-something, so what you are saying now makes perfect sense to me.

Wednesday, 29 September 2004 - 1:04 AM EDT

Which is exactly why I am attracted to older women, and why I am so much more comfortable around people that are older than me. That is the gist for the most part, of course that is not all of it, that would be too simple for the likes of me huh, but suffice it to say that being the "baby" on this project suits me just fine. It's not every day people upwards of twice your age come to you for advice and actually listen when you speak and are constantly impressed by your abilities. If it was validation I was seeking, I'd have it.

Wednesday, 29 September 2004 - 4:35 PM EDT

Col,

(I think ya know how I am, so PLEASE consider the source.)

I have always prefered seeing a younger woman, however; they have never seemed ta see eye ta eye, with me! ;-)

Thursday, 30 September 2004 - 9:58 AM EDT

I will admit, I have always looked for the qualities of my father in men I date, because I thought my dad was the guy who knew me best. He turned out to be a cheating bastard (at least I know where I got that from now), and I have since developed my own criteria in a significant other. Sometimes it takes that kind of shock, but I'm glad to hear your mom isn't THAT much of a weirdo.
As for older? My dating philosophy was "No one under 22, and no one over 28", with the scale sliding as I added a year to my own age. My MARRIAGE philosophy was "For Christ's sake, no one UNDER 28". My hub-unit is 11 years older than me (YUK), but he's past all the petty concerns of say, a 23 year old who wants to party and spend all his cash on XBOX games. Well, the XBOX thing still needs some work, but...

Thursday, 30 September 2004 - 10:47 AM EDT

Do you sense a pattern forming here? I dunno, just a thought, might be worth elaborating on later were I to pursue some kind of degree in something where that theory would benefit. That age scale rocks, kinda like online dating...I am seeking a female ages 23 to 28. Great!!! And you get a bunch of middle age men responding, oh the horrors. I can't even begin to fathom how awful that whole experience would be. And you know there are people who try that and actually are successful, but I think that's only in movies or advertising gimmicks. I have debated whether to try it, like everyone else no doubt, but never got the urge. Doesn't hold a candle to real life. How could it? Although in my current situation it's the only thing smokin...but I am strong, I will never cave in...do you hear me...NEVER!!!


...I have an x-box, it's lonely up here...

Thursday, 30 September 2004 - 11:59 AM EDT

V,

How right you are! You said it perfectly. We are obsessed with our looks when we are young, and we are obsessed with wanting others to think we are beautiful. That mentality doesn't pan out well in a relationship. I recently had a friend say to me, in seeing a pretty girl of about 19 or 20 walk by, "I wish I could go back to that age." Well, I DON'T! I would never want to go back to 19 or 20 or 21. I had horrible relationships when I was 20 and I made so many mistakes (which is part of life, but I wouldn't want to relive that, ever). To be so young, so naive, so self-centered, a lovely fool...who wants to go back to that? (yes i know, not all 20 year olds are like that, i don't mean to offend) I've said it before, there is something to be said about being older and wiser. You just have to hang in there, learn from experience, take some things with a grain of salt, don't let anyone make you feel bad about yourself or manipulate you, and never let anyone else's unhealthy view of how a relationship is supposed to be drive you crazy. This all comes from age and experience, but I think we all have to learn it the hard way.

Thursday, 30 September 2004 - 5:03 PM EDT

Dear Col.

I've tried to give up giving advice in my old age, but it's a dang hard habit to break. So, humor me, and let me say just this:
You ARE NOT a "patchwork of spare parts". You are whole, perfect, and complete, just as you are. When you know that, it will transform your life and your relationships.

Take time to get to know women you are dating as friends. Don't have sex with them until you've known them 3 months. By then, you'll have some sense of who they are, and if they are a good fit for you and vice-versa.

I had one ridiculous relationship after another, until I did those very things. When I first met my boyfriend, I thought, "well, he's not very cute". I wasn't interested at all, but we became friends. Then one day I looked at him and thought, "I want to go put my head on his chest!". I was shocked. But I had connected with him, as he really was. Not based on looks, or sexual attraction. Then the relationship could really begin.

Thanks for listening!!!!

Thursday, 30 September 2004 - 9:53 PM EDT

JUst wanted to insert a random thought here. Zack, I always enjoy what you write. Just don't always comment. Anywho,
did you know that the male of the human species is at his sexual peak around age 19-20 whereas the female of the species is at her sexual peak around the age of 40. So maybe your thoughts about liking older women are just in synch with your instinctive biology. Maybe Demi Moore has more of a clue than the rest of society?

Friday, 1 October 2004 - 12:00 AM EDT

Hey Col Mustard, this is my first time on this blog. I admire the way you express yourself through writing. I also can relate to it as well. One of things about me is I am harder on myself that anyone else...which is a double-edged sword really...cause you know how people in our lives can be. We live to learn as the saying goes...take care.

Friday, 1 October 2004 - 1:56 AM EDT

I think we are saying the same thing but from two different perspectives. I know that I am complete in and of itself, but I am not as well. I don't ever want to be complete, I don't ever want to wake up one day and say, ok, there's nothing left for me to do, or see, or experience, there is nothing left for me to learn. In that respect I am a patchwork of spare parts, bits and pieces or the lives I have shared with other people, mixed with the parts of me that continue to develop and grow, or fade away as it were. I think we are all that way, at least partially, at some point in our lives. I have come to accept that, and I am past it. What irks many women I meet is that their perception of a man is not a mold in which I fit, nor a path upon which I follow. I am not placing blame mind you, I am simply stating fact, I will probably never be what you thought you wanted in a man, which is exactly why I am on guard, not to be a tyrant or bastard, but for self preservation. You are right, I am who I am, and why should I let anyone else break that?

Friday, 1 October 2004 - 2:00 AM EDT

Well consider me a late bloomer so to speak. Or maybe I live life on another level, either way, not your average bear, eh booboo?

Gi Jane rocked!

Thanks for commenting, I thought you disappeared on me, and as usual, you just hit me when I wasn't looking...

Friday, 1 October 2004 - 2:21 AM EDT

We live to learn, how appropriate, I hope you don't mind if I use that sometime in the future. How true that rings, and I follow that mantra incessently.

Thank you for coming by, I am glad there are some things you can relate to...somehow that gives me a sense of validation...maybe I am not all that crazy afterall, or maybe you are getting worse, heh!

Either way I definately see where you are coming from, I too am my own worse critic, it just comes with the territory, if I were to listen to everyone I have met run off at the mouth about how I need to do this and be this way and change for them and not act the way I do, I would be all things to all people, yet nothing to myself. I am more confident in my ability to heal from the occasional cuts and lacerations from this sword as it were than surviving a figurative death were I to change everything I was to accomodate someone else.

Thank you for the insight.

Monday, 4 October 2004 - 7:08 PM EDT

Actually, I do think you are someone I would like to get to know. Anticipatory rejection anxiety is self-defeating. You are always intelligent and witty, but over the past few weeks, you have written very candidly and unself-consciously about your feelings. The canvas of your life's collage has more colors to it than most people your age, and many who are much older.

Finding people who will love us, flaws and all, is a continuous struggle for everyone. The biggest hurdle seems to be learning to accept those warty parts of yourself, work on the things you want to change, and realize that you are not alone in that many people have the same issues.

As for those "deal-breakers," focus on what *yours* are, what you do and don't want out of your relationships. It becomes exhausting when you focus too much on being the person you think the other wants, rather than on who you really are. Considering where you are located, I doubt you are surrounded by good selection of the sort of women who might attract and interest you.

Tuesday, 5 October 2004 - 4:09 AM EDT

WOW.
Wish I could weigh in on this, but as the great and wonderful CM knows, I met my significant other in a weird and wacky way, with none of that dating stuff (or LOOKING stuff, for that matter) even entering the picture.
All I can say, now that I'm all tapped out, is that you shouldn't look. You should NEVER look.
The good ones will fall into your lap without any fear of rejection or pre-rejection anxiety.