Thursday, 14 October 2004 - 7:36 AM EDT

You are truly a lost soul. I hope you find yourself before you reach the end of the road.

Thursday, 14 October 2004 - 9:03 AM EDT

I always thought love and especially marriage were overrated. Just a way to group us into nice little sets with nice little children and a nice dog and a nice two story house with a pickett fence, mom watching the kids while dad bangs his secratary at lunch...

anywhoo...Don't beat yourself up so much..You are only human..You have your whole life ahead of you for romance..and when the time is right for you you will find that girl that just wants incredible sex and good laughs. Seriously.

Thursday, 14 October 2004 - 10:13 AM EDT

Col. :

I love #4. It could never make me frown, that basic truth that I wish more people would understand, "this just MIGHT NOT last forever, no matter how giddy and happy and comfortable we may seem to feel right now." That's just the way of the world! I had such a hard time learning #4, but now it's my credo. It takes a lot of pressure off of a relationship for me, just admitting to myself that nothing is guaranteed. Would it seem normal for someone to be worrying all the time, "will he/she still love me this time next year?! What can I do to make sure he/she will still love me next month, next Christmas, next time another possibly better candidate for the position walks by?!" You have to understand and live by #4, both people in the relationship should, and it just might make everything work out.

Thursday, 14 October 2004 - 11:19 AM EDT

I did not frown at number four, it makes perfect sense to me. I myself am married, notice I didn't say happily married. Not that I am specifically unhappy, but things could be better. Anyhoo, the honeymoon always ends, that cutesy poo phase where everything is sunshine and roses doesn't last forever. At least not for anybody that I've ever known.
Eventually, you have to get real, and that's when the fun begins.

Thursday, 14 October 2004 - 2:50 PM EDT

Hi again colonel, thanks for the link in your post, it sure gave my blog a temporary boost. My daily average has shot up to 12 - woot!

Anyway, I feel I have to point out to you that love is more than a feeling. To put it simply, love is what love does. That was supposed to be the lesson from my post
concerning relationships. As in poetry, don't 'tell', 'show'!

Cheers, and thanks for the angst-ridden blog. I only wish I had the courage to bare my soul in the same way.

Don

Thursday, 14 October 2004 - 5:16 PM EDT

Col,

This may be a question that only you can answer for yourself.
Re:"what ever happened to just living for the moment and just being happy because of what you have...not because of what may or may not happen in the immediate future."
Well, I lived by that concept back in the sixties, however, back then I was sure that I would be dead by the time that I was thirty! If that makes any sense!?

Thursday, 14 October 2004 - 6:05 PM EDT

Col. there is no need to make promises in a world where we are all responsible for our own happiness. I give love freely and I enjoy my life as I do this I have cultivated a group of people who have come along for the ride! Carpe Diem...no apologies

Thursday, 14 October 2004 - 10:49 PM EDT

I say for me, I don't need someone's promise. I take them at their word and leave it at that...not to mention I go by the saying...actions speak louder than words. I have only truly loved someone once in my life. When I was in that relationship I was devoted, even though he was abusive in every meaning of the word. With my experience, I know what love isn't. It's true what you said...love is an open window, it should flow and be fulfilling. I think all 4 of your guarantees are admirable and completely understandable.

Friday, 15 October 2004 - 1:49 PM EDT

i understand (and agree) that you are not to be owned or obeyed. my question to you is this: are you able to be given?

i respect your decision to withhold promises when they are obviously not appropriate. this speaks of integrity. what i take issue with is your definition of love as a feeling - it can be so much more, and i cringe to see you restrain it thusly. it is perhaps not an easy process, but the intimacy of commitment holds such reward.

Friday, 15 October 2004 - 3:50 PM EDT

Ahhh...A fellow realist....

The reason #4 may upset people is because deep down they know it to be the truth, and they do not want it to be the truth.

Realists are like the police that bust the proverbial party of life. Sometimes it's cool and they let everyone go, and sometimes they bust it up and bring out their worst fears.

Saturday, 16 October 2004 - 1:30 AM EDT

Just curious, Colonel. Would you frown at number four if the object of your desire (for that moment) presented you with the same list? It is a lot easier to fall in love than to stay in love. But to truly love for a lifetime is a most exquisite bondage.

Saturday, 16 October 2004 - 2:21 AM EDT

Sometimes you are awfully hard on yourself, kiddo. Considering your age and where you are in life (not only location), it's not surprising you feel no desire to make commitments at present. What does surprise me is that you simultaneously choose to kick yourself at times for not being married, when you don't want to make any such commitment at this point. I've done the same thing myself, but it's self-defeating, and a waste of energy.

I agree with my dead friend leibniz: love is more than a feeling. The desire to make the commitment to do the work involved in maintaining a loving relationship is not going to arrive in the form of some magical woman who changes you. That change needs to come from within yourself.

I read your blog entries as expressing a desire for genuine intimacy. Sharing that with another human being requires commitment. A certain amount of that occurs when we "fall in love," and barriers drop. But to get past a certain point, you need to commit yourself to doing the work actual loving requires. That has nothing to do with obedience or ownership. It has to do with a willingness to extend yourself, while at the same time realizing love never carries an immutable guarantee.

Saturday, 16 October 2004 - 3:30 AM EDT

Carla, my mother was always a pillar of strength. She is the definition of commitment and dedication. That is probably why I feel the way I do about marriage and commitment. Why I have an almost instinctual need to be in a lasting relationship, and due to the hardships my parents went through, why I am so adverse to seeing myself there. I am way too hard on myself I know, if only I could just turn my mind off when I wanted to. But this blog is a close second, and I appreciate the time you take to offer your spin on things. It is so difficult otherwise to gain perspective from other people. Thanks.

Saturday, 16 October 2004 - 3:42 AM EDT

Rachel and "Helga" -

Hmmm, if I were running a race, "rule" number 4 would be a turn I always crashed on...and burned. I don't know why I am thinking Nascar here, it just seemed appropriate at the time. While I consider myself learned, I suppose I still have a very long way to go, and I think I should stop listening to reason altogether. Maybe I am way off here, but I am still trying to decide, which will prove an oxymoron, whether I should put any thought into love at all. It is not something I choose to do, which implies thought...a decision. Am I making any sense, I don't know. Too much going on upstairs at the moment I guess. A rare site I assure you. Thank you for replying.

Saturday, 16 October 2004 - 3:57 AM EDT

Thanks Don. I am sensing a pattern here with these comments and perhaps I am way off on my views. Not a bad thing I assure you, I have made a habit of making mistakes. It looks like my take on love as just a feeling is way off, and I mean WAY off. Might it be that I don't even know what it is, and better yet, what it feels like? Have I ever really loved? Now I am not so certain. And if that's the case, what am I even doing saying the things I've said if I have no grounds upon which to speak?

Saturday, 16 October 2004 - 4:01 AM EDT

Wally, it makes more sense that you might think. And perhaps one of the reasons behind all of this is because of my age and inexperience as it were. And perhaps by the time I am a bit older, ie. "thirty" I will not be in the same boat as I am now. Might have some more than just "hot air" in my sail and not be so listless....

Saturday, 16 October 2004 - 4:08 AM EDT

V, what's your secret?

Saturday, 16 October 2004 - 4:19 AM EDT

Nicole, I am beginning to agree more and more with you. I wonder if I really know what love is anymore, but like you I think I have a pretty good grasp of what it is NOT. As I said before, I am not beginning to have doubt as to whether or not I have ever loved anyone the way I want to be loved or they way I perceive love to be. And now that my definitions so to speak are more skewed that before, maybe I am going about things the wrong way and maybe unlike you, I have NEVER given myself to anyone, nor looked at what I received as being love....eventhough it may have been to them. It's an unavoidable shame that I now admit that to myself.

Saturday, 16 October 2004 - 4:21 AM EDT

Nicole, I am beginning to agree more and more with you. I wonder if I really know what love is anymore, but like you I think I have a pretty good grasp of what it is NOT. As I said before, I am now beginning to have doubt as to whether or not I have ever loved anyone the way I want to be loved or they way I perceive love to be. And now that my definitions so to speak are more skewed than before, maybe I am going about things the wrong way and maybe unlike you, I have NEVER given myself to anyone, nor looked at what I received as being love....eventhough it may have been to them. It's an unavoidable shame that I now admit that to myself.

Saturday, 16 October 2004 - 4:46 AM EDT

I just alluded to this in my previous reply and I think you might be correct in your perception. I don't think I am able to be given. Love is not universal, it is not the same thing to everyone and I think that I have been incapable of seeing that. I have been in effect judging people based upon how I see things and not looking at it from their point of view. Might it be true that their interpretation of love is not the same as mine, yet it is love just the same? I may in fact be so guarded I cannot see over my own parapets. I think it is time for some serious deconstruction but I wonder if I am strong enough to see it through.

I don't think I have ever given my self to anyone nor have I acknowledged anyone who has given themselves to me, and I have suffered needlessly by my own hand.

Saturday, 16 October 2004 - 4:57 AM EDT

Indeed, it would be tough to stomach. And I might just be making demands so to speak, such as that so that I give myself a way out becuase I am incapable of truely giving myself to someone. And the more I think about it, the more I begin to realise that I have never given myself to anyone. I am truely saddened, one at the realization that I have punished myself for so long for no reason, two because it took me so long to come to this point, three because it took someone else to point all this out to me, which totally destroys the bulk of my foundation.

It is not that I am ungrateful for the discovery, rock bottom has a knack for being a highly undesirable locale however.

Saturday, 16 October 2004 - 5:09 AM EDT

Bard, I have an opening in the conscience department. Wanna job?

Among others, yourself included, leibniz helped me realize I am incapable nor have I ever been successful in ever giving myself to someone the way you and others describe. It would not be hard to conclude that I am the type of person that would sooner "dump" you before you could do the same to me. I have been giving myself an out in just about every relationship and I use it as a crutch, an excuse. I am afraid of taking the next step and I don't think I ever have. Vulnerability has not been a part of my vocabulary for longer than I choose to remember, I think it is time to put an end to that. Did I spell it correctly at least?

Saturday, 16 October 2004 - 11:03 AM EDT

i think that the references to your mother in previous posts can perhaps provide some insight; in that relationship, you obviously see and feel one by-product of a committed relationship. i would contend that the security therein is freeing for you, not imprisoning. with your mother you feel free to completely be yourself, knowing that you will be loved. there are, indeed, obligations; you may not always get along; you may, in fact, do things in support of her that you otherwise wouldn't choose. but in a grand sense of things, you know that she will always be in your corner, and you in hers.

and such is love: a choice. i would not be so presumptuous as to assume that you have any particular religious affiliation, but personally, i find it interesting that under the judeo-christian description of love (arguably one of the predominant forces in our western culture), it is framed in terms of things given, not things felt. love is described as patience and kindness, humility and perseverance.

in the context of romantic commitment, the cost of those choices is often confused due to the addition of physical desire to the mix. but, the underlying principles of love ring true, just as they do in relationships with family, friends, acquaintances, and enemies.

obviously, choosing a partner who is like-minded with regard to any commitment is key. as i said, i respect the fact that you withold promises when clearly inappropriate. i just hope that you don't shut that door forever. there is unspeakable reward in commitment, when appropriate.

best wishes, col!

Saturday, 16 October 2004 - 11:09 AM EDT

well said, my friend.

Saturday, 16 October 2004 - 4:01 PM EDT

My question was only one of curiosity more than anything else. I agree with Bard in the way that you are pretty young to be so hard on yourself. And given your life's circumstance, who could blame you for side-stepping commitment? I used to feel the same way you did when I was in my twenties, combined with the longing of something more than just a fun-for-the moment experience. Eventually one desire will outweigh the other and you will be more absolute with your emotional decisions. Try to remember that every day of your life is "The good ol' days." : ) : )

Saturday, 16 October 2004 - 6:21 PM EDT

I'll take a job in the online friend department. The position should come with perqs though, like employee happy hour.

Recognizing what motivations and feelings lie at the root of a self-defeating behavior is the first step in changing it, so you can lead a happier life. Statements like "I am incapable" are so harsh and judgmental. You deserve to be kinder to yourself. Just because you don't think you have done something before, does not mean you cannot do it in the future. Besides, this is not a black and white situation we're discussing. You've had relationships before, whether or not they were long-term romantic ones.

Your mention of fear, vulnerability, and anticipatory rejection in your relationships is an interesting twist to your original premise. Your entry initially sounded as if what you feared, in commitment, was that the woman would want more from you than you wanted to deliver. In responding to the comments, it sounds more like you are afraid that you will want more from the other person than they would be willing to share with you. For me, at times it is a matter of both. Outside of the family context, if you don't risk getting hurt, you have no chance of obtaining the rewards. (By the way, thanks for getting me to say that out loud. I have been sitting on the sidelines for quite a while.)

I believe in the philosophy that we are bound to repeat life's lessons until we learn them, and are then ready to move on to the next one. Personally, that has meant I found myself dating the same men, in different bodies, for a long time. Eventually, I learned an important lesson, so that my next relationships focused on new and different challenges. The thing is, the process continues for as long as you live.

Saturday, 16 October 2004 - 7:58 PM EDT

i'm hoping for the best for both of you. btw, this kindness stays in this eroom - i've got a rep to protect! mathematician/philosophers are a rough and tumble bunch, you know.

Monday, 18 October 2004 - 6:19 PM EDT

I decided at about 35 that I was going to be happy. I started weeding out the people who were negative influences and I still just try to make the best decisions I can. I try to really live in the now. If you walk around in a fog not realizing how you interact with the world then things always seem to be happening to you...It isn't always easy, but it really does work. Even when life sucks I am still happy and life is wonderful. My husband drives me crazy, but I still love him and like him. I choose to be this way.